Grief, Loss and Life Transitions
Grief is most often associated with the death of someone we love, but we can experience grief whenever something important in our lives comes to an end or changes in a way we did not choose.
A relationship ends. A marriage changes through separation or divorce. A career comes to an end through redundancy or retirement. Children leave home. Our health changes. We lose somebody, something or a version of life that we had expected would continue.
These experiences can affect much more than our mood. They can change our routines, relationships, sense of security and even our understanding of who we are.
Grief Does Not Follow a Timetable
There is no single correct way to grieve.
Some people experience intense sadness. Others feel anger, relief, guilt, numbness or a mixture of emotions that can change from one day to the next.
There may also be periods when you feel reasonably normal, followed by a reminder that brings the loss back very strongly.
None of this fits neatly into a timetable.
Grief counselling is not about trying to get somebody through grief more quickly or encouraging them to “move on”.
It provides somewhere to talk about what has happened, understand what you are experiencing and begin adjusting to a life that is now different.
Loss Is Not Always a Death
We can grieve people, but we can also grieve relationships, roles, opportunities and futures we thought we were going to have.
The end of a marriage can involve the loss of a partner, but also the loss of a home, routines, shared friendships, financial security and an imagined future.
Retirement can bring relief and freedom while also involving the loss of professional identity, structure and daily contact with colleagues.
When children leave home, parents may feel proud and excited for them while also experiencing a very real sense of loss.
Redundancy, illness or a major change in health can raise similar questions about identity and purpose.
Grief does not become less legitimate simply because nobody has died.
Making Sense of What Has Changed
Part of grieving is adjusting to the difference between the life that existed before the loss and the life that exists now.
That adjustment can be practical as well as emotional.
You may be learning how to live alone, navigating changed family relationships, dealing with financial uncertainty or finding that familiar places and routines now feel completely different.
Sometimes there is also unfinished business. Things that were never said, questions that cannot be answered, anger at what happened or regret about what did not happen.
Counselling provides somewhere for those experiences to be spoken about without somebody trying to fix them or make them disappear.
Identity and Life Transitions
Loss and major life transitions can also make us question who we are.
If you have spent many years being somebody’s partner, a parent with children at home, a professional in a particular role or the person who cared for somebody else, a significant change can leave an unexpected gap.
Questions may begin to emerge:
Who am I now?
What matters to me at this point in my life?
What do I want the next part of my life to look like?
There is no need to rush to answer these questions.
Sometimes they need to be lived with for a while before the answers become clearer.
Living With Loss
I do not think successful grieving means forgetting what happened or reaching a point where the loss no longer matters.
The people and experiences that have shaped us remain part of our story.
Over time, however, it can become possible for the loss to take its place within that story without occupying every part of it.
There may eventually be room again for interest, relationships, plans and experiences that exist alongside what has been lost.
That is different from leaving the loss behind.
It is learning how to carry it differently.
I offer grief counselling in Hout Bay, Cape Town, as well as online grief counselling across South Africa.